Friday, January 30, 2009

Dai Nhac Hoi

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Totally awesome picture I found on PhotoBucket. Look very...very...very closely at it.

I think the artist's name is Bea Douglas or something. Find more here. Her album is private or something but you can see more of the same types of pics in that folder.

Ok so I'll make this post as short as I can...I just wanted to get this over with. Lolz.

Dai Nhac Hoi was last weekend. Sunday. We met up at 10AM at Kena Shrine and practiced. I tried to remain as relaxed as possible and I think I did a relatively good job. The whole day I only yelled once or twice but that was to get the dancers' attention over all the other stuff that was happening.

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This was in the morning. I think that's everyone. O wait no...we're missing like 3 people. lolz.

The night was OK. I'm just glad we got to perform and that it went well. Lolz. We took pictures with the singers there. I saw Hong. God IDK why I even care anymore! Why?? Why is it? I don't understand it to be perfectly honest. I mean...I don't know. At one point some lady asked us to go around the tables and sell flowers for her. I took the side where our groups were sitting and I sold like 4 flowers. Lolz! And then Sally and I wandered over to the other side and I almost walked past his table. But I saw him and told Sally that we should come back later...1 because no one was buying our flowers : (....and 2 because I didn't wanna walk by his table. I contemplated coming back later but...didn't so whatever. I think he has more brothers than I thought he did...and they look really alike. Lolz!!! LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ! OK I'm sorry...I'm really hungry.

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These are all the girls except 1. Awhile before the performance.

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By the time the whole thing started I was so hungry I coulda eaten these!

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Matthew and I! Yay for Green partners!

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A photo I took off of Sally's Facebook. I look photoshopped as hell. IDK what she did before she uploaded this. Lolz.

School has been alright. I'm behind already. I'm using this weekend to catch up and then Imma try to stay on track. Dear God help me.

Last night Otouto and Stephanie and I went to Tyson Mall. We ate a bit, walked around a lot, and was going to catch a movie but decided to just continue walking around. : )

On the way home Steph asked me who my first boyfriend was. And I was like...Eric...or...Derrick? They were twins and I don't remember which one's which...and she goes...When was that? And I go...5th grade...does that count? And she goes...NO! I meant since you started college! And I was like...O...then no one. And she goes...Why NOT? And I go...Er...have you lOOked at me lately? Ever? And so she spends the next minute staring at me and I'm like...wth. Lolz!

Anyway...then she says that she doesn't get it. She thinks I can get a boyfriend. And I'm like...you're my godsister...you have to think that.

Idk if I want a boyfriend. I'm not interested in boys. I'm interested in men. No joke! Smart men. Kind men. Men who'll let me run around with whomever I want. Men who get that you can't exactly control your feelings. Men who'll put up with me. Notice I'm not saying "A man who'll put up with me." I'm saying "men." Yes. Anyway. I hardly care anymore. I mean...before I used to wonder...and every now and then I still wonder. WTH's wrong with me? Lolz! But then I'm like...why the hell should I care? I'm sure somewhere out there someone's meant for me. Or...many someones.

Ok...um...my point was...I don't remember.

O yea...I told Otouto that I saw Hong at Dai Nhac Hoi. And he said that he didn't see him but that he did see someone else...someone I think is uber annoying. And he said that "that" side...the side with Hong and the annoying girl...was the "rich side." And I asked him...rich? Really? And he was like...well...someone gave $30,000 to the church from that side (we think it was that side). And I was like...yea that $30,000 is from sellling a nail salon. And so I got to thinking...at our church..."rich" is a lot of people. Eden store owners...Nail salon owners...Rich, frugal parents with annoying, spoiled, rich kids. And I think...do I want that? Do I really want to get involved in that? I mean...I go to church and it's fine. I get involved in the activities and that's fine. But then when you get down to it it's like...so that's what the rich people are? Because, not to be offensive...but when I think "rich," I think...business men...CEOs...company presidents...diplomats...surgeons...hospital directors...ambassadors...that's what "rich" to me is. But I guess my definition of "rich" differs from everyone else's. I know I know...rich=money. That's the easiest way to figure it out. But I mean...everyone at our church is Vietnamese...and when you look down at the crowd...can you tell the difference between the Eden Shop owner and the CEO? I couldn't. Do I want to? I don't know. As a disclaimer I have nothing against Eden shop owners or nail salon people. I'm just saying...they are rich...but not by my definition of it.

Also...yesterday when we were at the mall I found this store..."Parfums de France." Reminded me of...this one time we were at Macy's and Papa wanted to find the perfume that he told me he'd bought for Mother. But it was years ago. So he asked the sales lady and she didn't know. So I'm at this perfume store at the mall and the guy there says he has stuff from the 1970s...and that 20 something years ago is not too old. So I went home to ask Mother if she remembered and all she could say was "your father was so poor all he did was take me to the movies when we were dating." And so of course in the course of their years together she says he didn't buy her any perfume...aside from the stuff he bought her in America. But that's not the one I meant. It upsets me that...she doesn't remember...and her attitude about it...well what the hell is a poor person supposed to do? Rob to get you riches bitch? It also upsets me that I can't even ask him. And it upsets me most that when we were spending all that time together while he was talking to the saleswoman...I wasn't paying attention to him. Crystal tried to comfort me tho. She said that...finding the perfume wouldn't satisfy anyone but myself. Papa's dead so he doesn't care. Mother doesn't give a shit about anything I do...meaningful or not. And so I'll be the only one satisfied because I found something Papa was looking for. Then what? Would I give it to Mother? Probably but she wouldn't care. Or probably not and then what would be the point of me finding it? I probably wouldn't like it so I wouldn't use it. She said that it was just another attempt of mine to connect with Father after the fact, and it wouldn't help anything. So for the next few days I'll be sorta moody and obssess over it...then hopefully I'll get over it. I guess.

Anyways...

Some random pictures. : )

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Me without any make-up!!

I took Otouto, Donald (who slept over the night before) and Jonathan (who came over in the morning) and Hieu (who I picked up) to Kena Shrine on the day of DNH. Took them to Eden first for Bubble Tea. Saw my old Wushu school there doing the New Year's thing and didn't wanna face it so ran back into my car and sent the boys.

Apparently some of boys from Wushu called Otouto "traitor." They were probably just joking around...they better have been. But I mean...he took a break from Wushu. We'll come back one day. It's not like he left and went to another school. And honestly...Otouto's twice the size of those kids. And even I can kick some of their asses. But w.e....the other guys who were with Otouto helped him fend it off. Lolz! Otouto has good friends. I never had any good friends when I was his age. I had like...1 best friend when I was in elementary school. Then a dry spell. Then by Junior year I got another close friend...but by that time I just distrusted "friends" in general. And then Senior year I got another one. So...now I have two. And Otouto. And...o there's Stephanie...And...ok anyway...At least Otouto managed better than me.

Some Oneechan-Otouto pictures. This is after DNH. I'm wearing tired make-up.

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: ) Ch

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm fixing up my Photobucket account.

I'll have to delete all the pictures that I've posted so far. I might or might not repost them later.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dry Your Own Tears

At some point in life, you look around, left, right, ahead, behind, and you find that you stand alone. Not exactly alone on an issue or anything, just alone. Overall. You scream but no one replies. You ask but no one answers. You cry, you tear yourself inside and out searching for anything that attaches you to anybody, just some connection with anyone to make you feel needed, wanted, alive even.

When I had Papa I let petty things bother me. Friends...Friends...Friends....yes, to me they are petty things. Because now that Papa is gone everything to me is petty. Everything that bothered me back then to everything that bothers me now...is petty. I cry not because things bother me...but because things bother me and Papa is not there to make it better. I can't see his smile...I can't see his face. His arms can't hug me. I can't cry into his chest. His ears can no longer hear my complaints, my worries, my misgivings...My lack of confidence is met with emptiness...my need to feel liked remains unsatisfied. Calls to mother end in guilt and feelings of stupidity. "Why didn't you do it yet? Can't you do it yourself? Why bother me at work?" Calls to Otouto meet annoyance. "I have better things to do than entertain an older sister. I have homework. Games. Actual real friends." Calls to the two of them end with bruised knuckles. Wrapped fingers. My poor beaten up car!

Of course...life isn't always like that. Sometimes Mother makes small conversation that makes everything sound dandy. Otouto plays games with me, teaches me dance moves...they both put up with me. But if I were to disappear the next day, what effect would if make? I'd go, my tears would leave with me. My ugly face. My fat body. My shallow and superficial needs.

Needs that a simple touch can fulfill. I don't mean like...an actual touch. I mean like...a touch, to "remind me who I am" (Stanley Kunitz, "Touch Me"...about something different and yet the same)...to show that I'm still alive inside my hard assed drained body.

I visited Papa today. I looked down and I tried to imagine him smiling in heaven...but all I could picture was his skeleton...then his body...under that dirt and it was the worst. He was so lifeless...so far away from me. When Papa was alive I remember once Mother comforted me when Papa upset me a lot. At other times...Papa comforted me. Most of the time I comforted myself. Like, literally, told myself things were OK and such. Now that Papa's gone I start to realize that with Papa, words weren't need to comfort me. All I needed from him was a smile, a look, and I would be OK. Now I get nothing. I mean...I told myself this before but I never really got it. I never will. How can you really understand the loss of someone like that? Not just your father, but the basis of your sanity.

I told myself that Papa is no longer here anymore. No matter how much I talk to myself...try to claw myself out of reality and be wholesome again...it'll never work. It'll never change. I'll always be missing a part of my soul. I told myself that Papa could no longer comfort me...smile and look at me and make things perfect...but still I only really realize it when I stand up, look around, and see no one. Hear no one. Feel no one. People walk by me...they stop...look at me...talk to me...play with me...do things with me...and it all means nothing to me.

When one loses someone...what's the best thing to do? Cry? Mourn? It's been over a year...is it time to get over it yet? Is there ever a time? When do you feel less lonely? When...or can...you find someone to replace that impact that that loss had on your heart?

When Papa passed, I realized it was time to solve my own problems. Pick myself up. Dry my own tears. But that thought never stuck with me. I waited and waited...and my stupid self will probably always be half waiting...for someone else to help me.

When is it time to really dry your own tears? And when you do...have you ended your attachment to everyone else in the world? Or are you just temporarily making up for a lack? What is it for me?

This is gonna be a short one because I gots homework.

So obviously on Wed and Thurs I spent some time doing quick tutorials but apparently no one bothered looking at them. And then they asked me to do another more precise one...even though when I asked for what type of tutorial they wanted they didn't answer...so I have to do that later. Even though...there was enough time during Monday's practice to ask me questions and shizz. Whatever...I'll do it later. And I think I'll have to end it with the dance group. It's getting to be too much for me. I might start dedicating all my time to my Au Nhi instead. I mean...it's hard to talk over the dancers and the NS...it's also hard to talk over the AN...And the AN don't really know how to show appreciation...and the NS and the dancers just don't appreciate...but at least the AN don't talk smack about you behind your back just because they're not satisfied...

As you can probably tell, I found out people were talking about me. One of them a dancer in the dance group...not just a "guest" dancer. One of them I didn't expect but wasn't surprised...One of them was just like..."Whoa who kNeW??" Of course...Who can escape talk nowadays? You do what you can but who can you satisfy? At least I found out who was loyal. Even if it was just one person. And who knows...the way she showed that she was loyal was just by not joining in on the talk...so that might just mean that she doesn't care...not that she does care. And sometimes nonchalance is the worst of it. I mean...I try to be nonchalant about things but that's so that I don't go crazy. If I felt the need to defend someone, I would. Well...you know...those who gossip to you gossip about you...those who gossip about you can't escape being gossiped about. O gossip! Thou art a heartless bitch.

Saturday was Hoi Cho Tet. Helped with face/hand painting...that was fun. Had a performance...and once again the few hours before the performance I had to spend yelling and screaming at people. Because everyone is so confident in their talents and always knows what they're doing and even though at the last minute they're still messing up...they always believe that they're doing it right. But whatever...the performance went well enough. Although later I heard from Otouto that A. Phat had a talk with them about how it was good but could've been better. Haha! Well...there you go...

Sunday didn't do much. Monday had an all day practice with them. Was tiring but went relatively well. Mother watched for a little bit while she was waiting for me to go with her to the auto shop's. And she said that the groups in the back are pretty behind. But it'll be OK if the groups in the front cover them. And that Otouto's pair is doing the best. I have to work hard with Matthew this Saturday because I wanna look good too! Might be the last performance that I'm in charge of. These guys just tire me out. On cards and emails and stuff they say they know that I have school and work and shazz and they appreciate me doing stuff for them but when it actually comes down to it, they don't try to make it any easier. They just put up an attitude and let me deal with it. Two faced they are. They don't want to put forth any effort. When the dance is too easy, they complain that it's too easy. It's not fun. It's not cool. Then when we make it a little more complicated, choose a better song, put in some breakdancing, then it's too hard. It's too fast, they can't follow, they can't do it, they don't wanna try. What the hell? Can you decide please? I blew some fuses because some of the guys were acting like girls. And some of the girls were acting like brats. Whatever. I'm not going to think about it. I'll put up the tutorial. Dress rehearsal is this Saturday. Final Practice and Performance is this Sunday. I'll try to get it together and then. I think that's it.

But...I don't know. I tell my friends all the time that I'll quit. And my friends wonder all the time why I haven't. It's simple really. I have no where else to go. I LOVE to dance. It's not an obsession but boy is it fun. And I'm not professional...I was never professionally trained...so I can't get into...or even find...a dance group anywhere around here that I could join. Just like no matter where I look I can't find a community orchestra to join. Otherwise, I'd screw this shizz. That and when Mother said that she was going to nau noi che for the dancers I said I was tired and stuff and that teaching them is hard...and she told me that it's all just sacrifice. Like A. Phat. None of them appreciate him but he's always doin it. So I guess that's true too. Having the dance group means having "activities," having "volunteer services," having "religious involvement"...and boy do people, especially those who give out grants and scholarships, pay attention to those things.

But whatever...school is more important to me. This is just an activity. I'll keep it to the weekends. And hopefully one day I'll be able to start a real dance group...and patron it...maybe perform in it every now and then even. I just really like to dance. But that doesn't mean I should put up with the stress.

Ok so I'm ranting and I need to get back to school.

Quickly in other news...Otouto and I started playing Dynasty Warriors again a few days ago. That shazz is fun man! I'm taking a course in HNRS 353...Technology or something...and it's on video games. That'll be my excuse if Mother ever asks. Lolz. But yea it's fun.

School started today. I had HNRS 230, ANTH 114, and HNRS 228. They were OK. None that i absolutely dreaded. The teacher in HNRS 230 was sorta funny. I don't remember knowing that this section was about China...but glad that it is because I have an Asia concentration and an Asia minor. And...lolz...Etienne is in this class. I didn't notice him at first...he was sitting in the front and I in the back. But at one point he raised his hand and as soon as I heard his voice I knew it was him. I swear my heart jumped and I smiled. Haha! He's so...Idk. I don't know if he saw me though. Lolz. The teacher asked why he had a french name. He said because his parents thought they were gonna move to France so they gave him a french name. And here I thought he was actually French, but no matter. O boy...speaking of French...I have French class tomorrow...ahh this might suck!

ANTH 114...the teacher is funny. Was a really, really, reALLy huge class.

HNRS 228...eh. Whatever. Lolz. It wasn't bad but I was so tired by that time and...o wellz. Seems like there'll be a lot more work in this one than HNRS 227 but whatever.

I promised to myself that I would try harder this semester. I must make Dean's List again. Must pull up my GPA. Must make A's!!! That's why this has to end. Lolz. No pictures. Sorry!

Chya ne!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i forgot to mention something last post.

cuteable - link to the left, is having a giveaway! everyone should go enter, lotsa cute stuff! it's a pretty fun site.

on another note, got an email yesterday from office of the provost saying that they've canceled school on inaguration day! we'll have school an extra day in may instead. of course, the office of the provost's mail has gotten hacked into like ten thousand times before so...i'll wait and see if they send out another one in a few days saying "oops." so we'll see...but still cool. lolz!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

fighting not good...but if must fight, win.

ahhh awesomeeee!

i haven't seen the karate kid series in awhile. i only caught the last one tho, the one with the girl.

ok so it's been awhile since i posted, my bad. i started writing this post two days ago but am only getting around to actually posting it now...well maybe i'll post it. or maybe i'll just get distracted again and put it off. idk.

soooo...nothing's really been going on. school starts for me next week...o god...first day of classes is on inaguaration day! how the heck am i supposed to get to school with all these ppl in the city?? on sunday i went to the mall and just walking through one row in the parking lot i saw cars from like 6 other states! driving is gonna be terrible. my first class starts at...around 10am i think...but i might have to leave extra early to make it. it's lame that we don't have school off. the hs kids have school off. dolores, who goes to william and mary in williamsburg, miles and miles away from here, has school off. laaaaaaaaaame i hate this school. i am sorta excited about going back because i miss my classes...yes i am a nerd. i don't miss the ppl, heck knows i avoid them as i walk...but i miss being in classes.

o don't worry, i'm not completely odd. i'll get to class and then immediately wish it were break again like normal ppl.

hermmmm...signed up for alla my classes. just bought my books off of amazon.com...total of...about $396. that's about $100 less than buying my books used from the school bookstore...and about $300 less than buying my books new from the school bookstore...one of the other things i hate about this school. keets' school, also public, lets her check out her books and then she gets to keep them. and her tuition is about the same as mine! oyyy vayyy...

i finished teaching the choreography for hoi cho tet. that's this saturday. i'm not sure they all got it...and i know that at least one or two of them are completely lost because they weren't at practice. at first i was going to have them wear red ao dais because of uniformity...i wasn't going to perform with them because i don't think i fit into the red ao dais. now i think i'll have to dance because they'll need someone to look at. it looks fine, pretty even, when they do it right. we'll have to see. and since it's for hoi tho tet, the whole day they'll be busy at their stations so i can't practice with them. i needa keep my promise and post up a tutorial tonight. i tried last week but kept messing up. lolz. i'm not very good with tutorials.

lost my train of thought...

o yea...last saturday we had the very first practice for the dai nhac hoi performance. for once i had the choreography beforehand. and we didn't get through all of it. lolz. i think it'll be ok. i mean...the guys play around too much but...they're guys, they're aDD. by the end of the night they were doing impressions of me and i was a monster. so i did an impression of one of them being gay. lolz. i'm making them have practice on mlkjr day since we have school off. but that's the day before the first day of school for me so they better not fool around too much. i'd kick some of them out for disturbing the peace but...one of the reasons i'm being allowed to do this dance is because i'm using so many of the ns. so i have to stick with it. o wellz. i like the song and the choreography, it's cool. i have to finish the rest of the choreography this week but...it should be fine. so after the mlkjr practice...we'll have that saturday for "dress rehearsal"...and then the sunday is the performance....o goddddd...

o...sometime last week there was something about some planets being visible. i think the one next to the moon is...venus? pretty sure...

i did end up cutting the phone service. did it last night. the lady said it would take effect, as in our phone should stop working, at 6pm last night but...then at around 8 mother called and it was still working...and this morning i called just to see and...it was still working so...hafta call them again.

on saturday i had to teach the au nhi about tet. : ) i told them the story about tet and made them act it out...then i did a crafts thing. we made firecrackers! man doing crafts with the au nhi...so hectic! i thot my voice was going to give! of course i'd spent the morning yelling at the dancers so...my voice was already on its way out but...still...

inside the middle cracker roll is supposed to be a "loc dau xuan" which is in reality a new year's wish...but for teaching's sake i made them write "happy new year" in english...then viet...then a new year's resolution...was the level leader's idea...of course some of them didn't write anything...and some just forgot to put it in...then some forgot to pick the crakers up overall so...w.e.

last friday was really quite at work. at one point near the end of the day someone brought in their dog. that lead to of course...half the branch chiefs...the deputy chief of the division...and lotsa others...to come out of their offices and sit on the floor like little children and play with the dog. he was really cute!

on my way home from the bus stop's one day i noticed this tree stump...

there was a tiny cardinal next to it too but it flew away when i got near. oopz.

i...by all means...do not take pictures professionally or anything, obviously...i just like to take pictures...they turn out alright i think for just some kid using a digital camera. lolz.

herm...so...at work...i know we passed that a bit before but here it is again...since it is winter break and all i'm doing iS working...

i have this project to do a buncha analyses about all the nmbca grants that have ever existed since the program started. andrea gave me the project and is being a little less than not helpful. then yesterday she comes by and asks me if i'm gonna be in the office on some day in february and i, stupidly i might add, told her that i would be if it were a friday because i'll be working full time on fridays once the semester starts...so then she tells me that she'd like me to give a presentation...to the advisory group for nmbca...and i'm guessing they're higher up than her because the only reason i'm doing all these analyses is because thEy asked for them...

i'm practically doing all this for her! fine, i'll do the work...but why make me present it too? and of course a presentation calls for a powerpoint. i was nervous enough giving that presentation to the division...but at least everyone in the room knew me and they were all nice...the advisory group...i don't know these ppl! i'm not sure they'll be "nice". i mean...yes yes i know this is real work in the real world who's nice anymore...but still! i'm so nervous!

that's why i really want to get this project done and over with so that i can prepare for the presentation but she just won't look at the stuff i give her. i need her to approve of them so that i can start putting things together but will she look at all my charts and graphs? no. i know she has other things to do but come on, a quick look at what...6...7? excel sheets...that's not a lot! ah w.e. i was complaining about how i don't get paid enough to do all this and then...that changed so...can't say that anymore. and i'm sure that this typa stuff looks good on my resume but...argh w.e. lolz. just needed to rant. i know that in the long run i need this kind of experience...if you asked me what the iso code is for a country in central america or the bahamas is...i could probably tell you. lolz.

ok so random change of subject cuz i don't wanna talk about this anymore...on new year's mother otouto and i went to the buffet. my goodness their crawfish was so good! i really wanted to go back soon cuz i wanted to make sure that the crawfish would still be good...but w.e. usually their crawfish is pretty good. juicy. lolz. i love seafood. then after the buffet otouto and i went and did a little shopping. bot useful stuff. i bot him a book, in my attempt to encourage him to read more. lolz.

here's a random pic...my focus was the planner but...might as well put in those other things since they were in the area anyway...

and i finally did a basic cleaning of my room!

there's probably a fancy name for this...but i don't know it...it just holds my make up...i think i threw the matching chair away so i don't actually sit in front of it and do make-up or anything...

ok and of course...my most favorite type of pictures of all time...FOOD pictures! yay!!!

reed otouto and i went on an outing on sunday. we had some lunch and then watched doubt. was a good movie! and was a good lunch.

we went to...thai terrace i think it's called...in arlington, va. this is like a semi review but more not. the service was nice...we seemed to be the only ppl in the place...we saw ppl leave before we came in. thai terrace is located in the "business" neighborhood but unlike its restaurant neighbors, was actually opened on sundays. a lot of the other restaurants close on the weekends because they cater to actual businesses...and those are only opened on weekdays. anyway...all three of us ordered seafood.

i didn't bring my camera and it took me awhile to remember that i could just take pics with my phone...so the quality's sorta ehh but it's ok. i found out i don't really like soft shell crab. i like other crab tho! the calamari was really good...and otouto like the crab so it was probably just me.

the sauce was to die for! so good! the mussels were a little bit too small but...i am an avid seafood fan so...ya. the dish was also labeled as spicy but it wasn't at all. other than that, it was deelish!

he seemed to like it too.

we checked out the dessert menu but nothing looked good so we just decided to sneak in candy to the movie. lolz.

overall the meal was yummy! i do recommend!

then yesterday keets and i met up with brad from patuxent and we went to lunch at this restaurant...capital? capitol? brewery? well...it was inside the postal museum, across the street from the union station metro.

apparently the place is usually more filled up but there wasn't that many ppl that day. nice atmosphere. huge thingimajigers of beer in the middle of the room at the bar. lolz. brad ordered their homemade root beer but said that it tasted like normal root beer. lolz. they had complimentary pretzels...was good! a bit salty but...was good.

i ordered a crab cake sandwich. it came with really good fries. the picture's sorta pale so i added alittle color to the border.

ok...so i'll save a bit of awesome news for last...but before then...last night i got a text from jeanette asking me if i'd heard that andrea is going to be attending mason (our school) this semester. i didn't know who the text was from so i warily just texted back..."what...? no." and asked if andrea had finished with her nova credits. jeanette didn't know but apparently andrea'd been talking to someone on facebook and of course...facebook tells you everything!...the newsfeeds showed that she was talking about how she was signing up for classes and stuff at mason. so i immediately called jeanette (half because i was editing stuff and didn't wanna text...and half because i needed to hear the person's voice to figure out who it was [i did have a feeling that it musta been jeanette]). so jeanette thot that even tho the both of us ended on bad terms with andrea...i won't get into it...it was two different sets of bad terms...we should be nice and offer to show her around. my answer to that was..."er yea...it's gonna be a no for me." jeanette asked and i replied...that i wasn't still mad at andrea. i'd gotten over the whole issue the moment i hung up on her. but after i did...she texted me...called me...meanfacebook messaged me demanding explanations...and i left them all unreplied. so i can definitely go up to her and be like "yo what's up?" but this is a two way thing here. she probably wouldn't take it so lightly. i mean...heck...the first thing she says when she approaches a guy she hasn't seen or spoken to in two years who used to be pretty good friends with her and just drifted apart because that's what normal ppl do...was "so i see you took me off your facebook friends?" leaving the guy thinking...uh what do i say to that??

knowing that, i'm not going to put myself into the situation for her to make me feel uncomfortable. now...ironically...reed (the guy i just mentioned) and i were talking about what i would do if i happened to see her in the street one day...neither of us thot it would be at my school...and i said...probably turn around and run off. and even while talking with jeanette i first thot...god if i saw her in the halls i'd prolly turn around and haul ass...but then i thot about and realized...wait why do I have to run off? i didn't do anything wrong. i took myself out of an uncomfortable situation in which some girl who gave up a part of her future and accepted the easiest route out was trying to take me down with her. it's not my problem that she didn't understand. i don't think i ever felt bad about the decision. at one point i thot about writing her a long letter explaining everything but that was just to clear my conscience and then i realized...there's nothing to clear! anyways, it was just interesting news. now if i do see her at school...i'd just continue walking. i wouldn't turn around and run. god sometimes i think i say stuff like that just to be funny...but i wouldn't actually do it. i might not like confrontation but if i'm forced to confront someone or something, i'll beat ass.

ok so moving on to the good stuff...

this is lastly but bestest...i got promoted at work! lolz. my boss said that her boss signed off on the paperwork the other day...or maybe it was today...and she sent it off to hr. i'm gonna be a GS3. they didn't know that they were allowed to promote me to a GS3 after i graduated from hs...so they sorta felt bad they i coulda been making much more money in the past year and a half but...i don't care! finally i'm getting promoted! lolz. and then she said that after the end of sophomore year...which is this year...i'll get promoted to a GS4. omg i'm so excited! working for the government...sorta rocks.

i don't know if i should tell keets or not. for some reason...we're supposed to be in the same program but we don't get paid from the same source...so my bosses are always talking about how they need to have money to bring her back out to work during breaks...but i work all year long...

ok well i just went and told her. i didn't want her hearing from someone else that the whole time she's worrying about whether or not we have enough money to bring her back...i got a raise. so...she took it well i guess. she understood why i told her and...even if she's not happy at least i didn't try to hide it. it might've been selfish of me, maybe i just wanted to assure myself but, w.e....how'd this turn so sour? lolz.

can you tell this is my first job? lolz.

phew...finally done with this...i have to leave to go to the main interior building in a few minutes for a meeting so...good timing on my part...now should i even bother to reread for grammar? eh...idk. maybe...

anyway i know it was long...my bad!

and sorry about the bright scary layout. i'm working on fixing it up. lolz. probably not but w.e.

chya ne!

Monday, January 5, 2009

mother wants me to cut off the home phone service.

which is fine i guess since each one of us has a cell phone.



but then she wants us to cut off the tv cable too. we have basic cable, that's a fucking $21 a month. SHE might not watch T.V., but otouto and i do! what a fuckin bitch. she says that all we need is the internet. that's what she says now. but then other times when we actually using the internet she talks about how we're always spending time on it. god fuck her. if i had complete control of all the money, this type of action would be unnecessary. but her and her fucking idiocy. she caters food on the side but she has no business sense. i bet she's never making any profit at all when you think and really consider the money she's putting in to the catering and the money she's getting out of it. and then every now and then she caters a bunch of food for people for free! because she has to repay them back...if everyone who gave us money for dad's funeral expected shit back from her then maybe everyone should just go to hell because they just made things worse. and some ppl who gave more money she doesn't pay back, it's like she selectively pays ppl back or something. and those ppl she selects to pay back money to is from church. she's just a church whore. god i fuckin hate her.

and so now since we're cutting off the house phone, every time i do something that's "professional"...from housing or insurance or doctors and stuff, i have to give them my fucking phone number. god damn bitch i fucking hate her!

Friday, January 2, 2009

cenophobia

look it up

i might have it

otouto and i talked about this some days ago. we don't like empty space. there's just something...creepy about it. we don't like to leave the door open or look into mother's room because it's so...empty. she's never in it when we're home usually cuz she's at work. and it's even creepier when it's dark in there. and it's worse i guess since papa passed. but idk...i'm just not into empty spaces in general...it's just so...not busy. i mean...i'm all for relaxing and stuff but...i also like to keep myself busy. i don't get it. i'm just a procrastinator and yet...i can't just not be doing nothing. so empty space...it's just not "busy" enough for me. idk. i get genuinely freaked of empty space...like...when i'm walking into my room the empty hallway makes my head dizzy...and when i get to my room i just CANNOT stand at the door and look in. i HAVE to walk in immediately and DO something...otherwise i'd just be looking into a...still room. i mean...when i say empty space i don't mean like completely empty. well that'd creep me out for sure! but even a space that has stuff in it but no activity...know what i mean?

like...a room that has furniture...things in it...but unless the tv's on and the fan's on and the music's blaring...or there's ppl hanging out or doing stuff...or something...just some activity of some sort...it just creeps me out. i need the busi-ness. idkkkkkkkkk....w.e. it was just a random thot really. lolz.

otouto gets the same feelings tho so...yea.

okie must sleep getting drowsy gnight!

so i finished the choreography for hoi cho tet today.

otouto's choreography for the guys is really cool. lolz. the girls are more simple.

then otouto taught me the six step. it's hard! and he tried to help me learn some freezes but those are hard! i need more arm muscle if i wanna do freezes well so. yea. but it's ok...it's my first day so...haha...i think i'm doin ok.

yay!

i sorta use my planner like a journal. lolz. i feel like writing a story. otouto and i came up with a story idea but...i didn't write it. lolz. i think i should, it was really well thought out! hermmmm...it's like a supernatural story though so...i'm sorta scared. you know what they say! well...what the movies say...something about writing or acting like ghosts...and how that can make them come after you. yes i've watched too many horror movies. thuy told me that a. phong said that ghosts can only show themselves to you if you want to see them. thank goodness cuz i never wanna see one. lolz. good god. why am i talking about stuff like that randomly? i'm watching ghost adventures on travel channel. lolz.

but the story idea doesn't involve ghosts i don't think. just magic or something.

i started writing a wuxia story...i got as far as the prologue...it wasn't bad. and i did bits and pieces of it and it had romance in it...that part definitely wasn't bad! maybe i should get back to that first and then go on to the story idea that otouto and i thought of. hermmmmmmm idk we'll see.

i wanna practice writing like...stories...but i also wanna write poems...and i especially wanna get back in my ib academic style of writing. those were the best. if only.

anyway...gonna nap. mother's making us go to midnight mass with her....so imma take an hour nap or something.

she's makin us go to mass at midnight...so we won't be able to go to bed until after 1am...then tomorrow we have to wake up early because we have to go to 8am mass...and then immediately right after mass we start dance practice all freakin day long...and then at 2pm we have to play for a wedding...then back to dance practice...then mass...we don't get home until 7pm tomorrow night! and we're running all over the place so much so that our immune system gets all weak because our bodies are all weak and tired...and so we get sick...and when we get sick she freaks the fuck out. and she goes "i get so worried when you're sick." wtf. stuuuupid.

ok w.e. gonna go sleep now. nights!

chya ne!

WARNING: Profanities Galore

sooooooooooooooo i walked to the bus stop this morning at around 7:55...that's when i left the house...got to the bus at around 8:07...bus never came...waited till 8:35...another bus was supposed to come...never came...called the number on the bus stop to ask where the eff the bus was...their help offices are closed today...waited till 8:55...cannot feel anything below my tummy...walked back to the apartment...into my car...sat in it with the heat on full blast for 5...maybe 10 minutes before i could even feel my toes anymore...then drove to work. WTF!!!

at one point it was way past the 8:08 bus and so i called otouto to ask him to check when the next bus after that was coming...and for 5 minutes while i was freezin my butt off the kid was googling "art fest" or something like that because apparently to him "bus" and "fest" sound alike on the phone. ok even if they do sound alike...what reason can there possibly be for me to have to call him to check for times for an "art fest"? ever thought that if i was calling him to check on something like an "art fest"...it'll be because i'm at leisure and therefore have the time to think about such things...but if i were in leisure it must mean i'm at work...but if i were at work i would be able to check "art fest" stuff myself because i have a computer at work! so if i had to call him to check something it must mean i couldn't check it myself...which must mean i'm not in front of my computer...which must mean i was not yet at work so i would either be still waiting for the bus in 34 degrees but feels like 26 degrees weather or on the bus...which means why the fuckin hell would i ask about "art fest" information while freezing either waiting or riding the bus???

i'm sorry but that made sense to me. i mean i know it's early but did he have to be that clueless...honestly??? and he just had to fuckin give me attitude about it too! o yea it's great being bitchy to someone when you're in your nice warm room and they're streets away in the freezing cold!

anyway...at one point i had to call otouto again to ask him to check to see if the buses were in fact running today and he checked the website and it said they were. and i just checked their website myself and it says they're running normally...so wtf...

i need to bitchslap somebody.

when i started walking back home i called mother to tell her not to pick me up today since i'll be driving and she's like "why??? that's so much parking money!" and i'm like...wtf...do you think i'd be driving if i could take the damn invisible fuckin bus!!!! so i hadta tell her i was standing outside for over an hour waiting for the damn bus and it never came and she goes...o ok good since i have to go grocery shopping anyway.

wtf. wtf. wtf.

then i get into work and as soon as i step out of the elevator i see keets and she grabs me and goes come on and i'm like where we goin i ain't goin outside and she goes why not and i'm like i just spent over an hour outside i'm freezin and i'm not goin again and she makes that ugly puppy dog face and i'm like w.e. and i walk off. it's ugly because it's half the begging puppy dog face and half the threatening pissed off face and i just did not give a shit.

and since i drove i hadta park in the parking deck. i'm parking on P2. there's a horror movie called P2. i'm going to leave work today and go down to my car and be kidnapped and die!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

i do not want to be here today.

o well on the bright side of things since i have my car i'll be able to just drive straight to the post office and the bank after work. the benefits of having my car with me. see i got some good out of it...if i don't die from the crazy murderer running loose in P2 like in the movie! AH! fuck.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

happy new year!!!

i was going to have a picture...which was going to be a picture of me and some glitter text but...then i decided, fortunately for the sighted world, against it.

hermmmm....
no glitter text, s'ok, i rather like this better.
o and my blog's name isn't on it...ah w.e.
so...one of the reasons that i have so many blogs is that every now and then i would feel as if i need a fresh new start. i make new blogs in an attempt to shed away my past and of course, it never works so i always end up leaving the blog because no matter what pasts can never be shed. sounds sorta too deep but...that was the way it was.
for some odd reason...i haven't had that feeling yet...the need for a change. i guess life has taken a...moderate? pace. it's not too boring...not too slow...not to fast....or maybe, i'm just a little too content with waiting for life to pick up. i'm not sure.
w.e., my point is that it's the new year and for once, it's a time that can be considered a "turning point" and yet i don't have the urge to make a change. i don't feel a desperate need to turn a new leaf. it's almost even like i don't feel the turning point because i wasn't needing it...if that even makes sense! i'm not saying i'm happy with a moderate life, definitely not, but i think that so far i've had a lot of mini changes and revelations that i don't feel the need to do anything "drastic."
i guess it also means that as of right now i don't have many regrets. i mean...i have...and will probably always forever have...that lingering regret with papa...but i mean...that i don't think i can make disappear so nothing to say about it...so aside from those lingering regrets that i assure myself must accompany those types of situations...i don't really have any major regrets. either i don't have any or i've accepted them so that i don't care that i have any. idk which. idk a lotta things.
today i went and did a little shopping with otouto. i've been really craving chips and salsa so i bot some but it's not that great no more. lolz. always happens. then i bot some books...one for otouto and a haunted house book for me. and i also bot something that i thot was a planner but i guess it's really a diary. i'm using it as a planner tho, it's perfect! tons of space and all that shazz.
idk i sorta really wanted a journal but...i mean...this is like my journal/diary already. it's real easy to add pics on here and i won't be able to draw or doodle but...that's ok i guess...and i've gotten over being nice so alotta the stuff on here is all stream of consciousness and altho i do reread sometimes for grammar and spelling, these are all my real thoughts and opinions no lie. so i guess there's really no need to have both this and a journal. i guess if there were ever anything that i really, really couldn't say on here i'd need a private journal to write it down but...that hasn't happened yet and...well...we'll see. but omg this planner i got that's really a diary but i'm using as a planner, it's awesome!
er....i don't think there's anything else i really wanna write about. i hafta go to sleep cuz i needa wake up early tomorrow and shower before work...yay.
okie, here're my new year's resolutions in random order:
learn japanese enough to hold a simple conversation. sounds like it should be a "life" goal and not just a new year's resolution but, i think it's ok. be nicer ha! well...i'll try chill more i think that means be more chill as well as chill out more
write more like...academic writing
read more i used to read so much! but then hs and college forced me to read things i didn't like and took up all the time i coulda spent doing reading i did like lose 30 lbs it is not impossible. to lose the 30 lbs i'll have to dance more and exercise more and maybe even get back to wushu. be more organized so that i can actually focus on stuff and not just on my messes. play violin better faster fingering, shifting...more bow control! read music faster...lead better... play at least three songs on piano and 3 on guitar since i can already read music it won't be too hard. left hand on piano'll be hard and i can't do any improvising...and erm...those things...i've completely forgotten...something...on guitar is hard but...i can do it! maybe...only one song on each...no no, we'll see! eat healthier goes with the losing weight thing dance better sorta goes with the losing weight thing procrastinate less wasn't on the top of my list but...it's on there and i do need to do it cuz it's always messing me up be happy more real happy...ha...well...we'll see... care less it'll help with be happy more improve french hahahahahahahahah!!! ahhhh....w.e.... sing more just for fun
o i think i just thot of something i shouldn't say online...but then i thought about it and i was like...wait why would i wanna do that less?? hahahahahahaha!!!! yea...ok nvm then.
woooookie dokie i thiinnnnnk that's it. i really have to go to sleep now...lolz...early rise tomorrow!!
happy new year's again, chya ne!
i don't know why my font is weird. >: ( edit: sometimes mother is actually cute. like cute in a childish funny ya wanna laff at her kinda way. and sometimes she's kinda smart. but ONLY sometimes. add: another new year's resolution: depend on ppl less because you never know when ppl don't want to help you...it turns out it might be all the time...so i have to be prepared for everything myself and not depend on others. i mean things like...getting a ride home is fine but i have to be ready so that if i don't get a ride, i'll have money and a schedule for the bus, or something like that.

add: i can't believe i forgot this one! develop a better work ethic! duh! self explanatory!