Monday, September 29, 2008

i just need to get ONE thing done.

ONE thing! i can't bring myself to do anything so just ONE thing, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease one!!! onegai!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

next week there's gonna be two weddings.

the first one is a youth group leader's, and the second one's is the daughter of my godmother. i'm going to the second one. at first when the invite from the youth group leader was sent to us it was only an invite to the mass, but then she went up to me and some other new leaders and asked us to come and i thot it was just to the mass but then yesterday she was talking to me and said she's going to set a place at the tables for me and i had to tell her that i'm going to the other one. i guess if i did go to hers then she'd prolly sit me next to the other youth group leaders and i know more of them, altho i'm not close with them much i would be talking to them and stuff. but then with the godmother's daughter, they're practically family, but i wouldn't know anybody except the godmother's immediate family, and they have only five ppl. and the youngest daughter, who's actually a friend of mine, will probably be a bridesmaid so she won't be free to hang around. and my brother'll want to hang with the son and they won't let me in on anything when they're together, and mother has her friends....i wouldn't hang around her anyway but still. then again it's not like there's any way i can get out of it now.

it's not like i don't want to go to the godmother's daughter's wedding...it's just that i feel sorta bad for not going to the other one, the youth group leader's. o well, i'm playing for her mass...that should be enough. lolz.

and i guess it shouldn't matter who i know or don't know who's attending the wedding. it's the bride's (...and groom's) day and the bride is my godmother's daughter so, that's more important.

all this talk about weddings...aishhh. imma go look at some wedding gowns, juuuuust for the fun of it.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

i hate her, i fuckin hate her.

sometimes i get pissed or a little upset at my dad, not just because he passed away, but because he didn't take me with him. he left me here with this sonofabitch wife of his and i hate her. i'm usually pretty nonchalant, i don't give a shit about anything, but in her case i just hate her. maybe that's why i'm so nonchalant about everything, because all my hatred is geared towards her and so i never have anymore hatred left to disperse for other ppl and other problems.

i fucking hate her.

god sometimes it's just better to cut your self dead. but then i feel bad because i have brother to take care of. i know he can't handle her on his own, he's too outright and honest. he wouldn't be able to defend himself for long with ppl like her. so i have to stay around for a little longer to make sure he grows up sane first.

Friday, September 26, 2008

last saturday was chi hanh's wedding.

it was nice, i guess. i already blogged about the night itself...in like a paragraph...but here's a nice picture. i think it's nice because usually we don't do family pictures...brother and i take pics together but we don't usually take pics with mother. one day we'll go do a portrait thing where i'll have mother sit on a sofa stiffly, brother sitting casually...and me standing behind them in the middle with one hand on each shoulder. imagine that....if you knew my family you'd get the meaning...i'd explain it later.

yay!!

turn your face until you see...an angel standing close to me...

so i was gonna reward myself for living through this week by taking a bubble bath and relaxing with a soda in hand (idea i got from someone i don't like but it's a nice idea) but now i'm too lazy. i wanna eat dinner now because i like what i'm eating and i wanna watch a horror moving and i wanna play games and shizz so i think i'll just take a quick shower....imma save my bubble bath for sunday. bubbbllllee baaaaaaaaath!

a what??? a dog in a monkey suit????!!!!

i was so excited that i didn't have hnrs 240 today because that meant that i would be coming in to work early and therefore be able to drop by the cafe and get food when there was still food instead of coming when there's no more food like i usually do on fridays. so i get there...and they don't have what i wanted. i got some other stuff anyway which was good but still...whattalottaphooey.

note to self: kenneth pool.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

sooooo today was sorta sucky...

i bs-ed the shit outta my french paper which is like 20% of my grade, and i found out i got a d on that science test i took. dammit wtf?

i'm on the shuttle going to west campus parking and i'm standing because there are no more seats and chivalry is dead and this dude who's sitting in the seat right where i'm standing keeps looking around and finally looks down at my purse, i had my headphones in so i didn't hear anything but then i heard some dudes go waaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa really loudly and i thot...o yea...my phone's on ring...and the ring is konichiwa konichiwaa kooooniiiiiiiwhiiiiiwaaaaaaaa. haha i laffed to myself. then i got to my car and as i was reversing out this car came speeding up from my left and stopped like two cars away and honked and i was already out enough to turn my head which means that if he'd hit me, he woulda been at fault...who the hell drives like that in the parking lot where mostly freshmen who also don't know how to drive park anyway? so anyway he honks at me and i stop and was going to shift and drive up so he can get through but as he's driving past the kids sitting in the back cup their hands over their mouth and said something so i assumed they were saying something mean so what'd i do...o i just flicked 'em off. usually i don't do that, i always react too slowly to honk or flick ppl off but i did it then and it felt good.

then as i was driving away i listened to the voicemail i got from my uberly cute insurance agent and it was funny. then i called him back and he was funny and it made me giddy because i'm really 5 years old. and he asked for my email cuz i asked him to send something to me through there instead of snail mail and he asked if i still went to mason and i said yea and he said something either on the lines of visit me there one day or see me there one day. it was most probably just that he might see me there cuz he's prollie going there himself who'd actually make an effort to come see me esp. a cutie like him? anywayyyy i couldn't make out what it was really so i just said "OK!" god i'm so freakin awkward.

then when i got home i got the mail and reed'd sent me some cute little pooh bear stickers and that made me even more happy!

but then..because i'm a stalker...i was like...hrmmm the insurance agent's only a few years older than me maybe he has a facebook! so i searched him and i came up with someone whom i think is him and i'm like cool! of course i'm not gonna add him because who does that? and then i briefly notice that we have one mutual friend and i'm like whoa who would that be? and so i click on it and it's taking forever to load and i'm like omg wth and finally it loads and i go "OMG WTFFF????" out of all people! ALL people it just had to be her! of course he had to know her! of course, because she's this pretty, cute, nice, awwweeeesome little thing who knows just about everybody so of course she'd know him too! as if it wouldn't be hard enough already!

see now i don't even know what i'm talking about because technically it don't matter if they knew each other because like anything'd happen anyway with me and him but still! wth man???? WHYYYYYYYYYY

this was going to be a post about how easy it is for me to get happy but now it's just about how bipolar i am!

the end!!!

i hate french class!

superly utterly uberly haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it!!!!

i just finished bs-ing the paper. it sucks, i feel bad but i don't care. i'll just have to promise myself to work harder for the second part of the semester so that i can get at least a c. dammit i hate this class. it's not that i hate french, i just hate this french class! it's boring, the teacher's lame, doesn't explain anything, sorta touchy whenever i have talked to her, and she just has this air of...not welcome ness. argh! screw this class!

hate it!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

sooooooo last night i sent an email to my cousin in vn who's a few years older than me but calls me the "older" cousin because my father was the oldes

anyway, mother'd wanted me to send out some measurements to the cousin to tell her mother because they're having something tailored for me. this morning the cousin emails me back and the email's sort of hard to read at places because it's in viet but she didn't put in accents, and she has typos, but she basically says that mother had told her that i don't have many friends and she goes on about how i shouldn't be so self conscious about me being fat and how she used to be fat like me and how she had to cut down on eating, esp. fruit because she loves fruit, and how much she weighs now (but it's in kg, not lbs so i can't tell the difference anyway) and how...this part really gets me...since i don't have very many friends i should try talking to my mother and how in the end family is the best and how she used to give her parents a hard time too but now she knows better and she loves her parents. i loved mine too, my dad. i hate my mother and she should just get that through her head. i'm not gonna even try and guess how much my mother had to say to persuade my cousin to email me all that shit. even if she didn't have to persuade my cousin who the hell goes around telling people your daughter never talked to how your daughter doesn't have any friends? anyway, my cousin continues on to how her sister (who's 6 months younger than me) is also very difficult and stubborn and doesn't talk a lot and how she's always trying to help her sister by saying that if you have anything bothering you you should tell grownups because they know better and shizz....i'm sorry but i think she's the child here. whenever i tried to tell mother stuff she just shooooots me down so fuck it.



at first i was sorta excited that she emailed me because mother had forbidden me to contact her at all a few years ago and used my being in school as an excuse. so when i read the first few lines of the email i was excited to reopen the email and read the whole thing in class...then i got to class and actually read the email and i was like..."wtf...?"

i think i might email back and be like "so what's your younger sister's email address?" or just not email back at all.

anyway, i just thot it was interesting. fuck what she says. so what if i don't talk a lot or "share." i bet i have more shit to go through than her. her parents are not the same as my one pathetic mother. i do feel sorry for my mother every now and then and i do try to empathize with her sometimes but then she'll just do something to piss me off. this whole post is pissing me off!

mothereffer

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

it's only been two days but this week is already not going well.

i did find this awesome icon thingy tho. haha...it's cool.

-------------

i had this cool icon icon thing that was something like "i don't fight with my inner demons anymore, we're on the same side now" or something like that. it was awesome. but then something happened with the bandwidth and it disappeared.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

the other day...thursday...i had a test for govt. 132.

i've been skipping the last four classes of that class, like i said before. so i get in there and started the test. out of 40 questions i recognized and was sure of like...3...i saw that some questions from the study guide he'd posted a week or so ago was on the test, exact question and answer choices, i just didn't know which one was right. then after the test i went to turn it in and he asked me if i had any questions because he was asking everyone that as they turned in their test and i said no and he took my test then did a double take cuz he prollie was thinking "i've never seen her in my class before" so i walked away really quickly and brushed my hair out so that it was covering my face. to make matters worse...as i was walking to the student building i walked by some other kids in my class and they were talking about how utterly easy the test was. and i checked my grade this morning...i got a D.

he talked a bit before the test started to clarify and answer questions and i was observing him the whole time and thought...firstly...he's sorta hot, he stands really far away cuz i sit near the back but still, his posture and accent is totally attractive...he has a kid my age, haha! and secondly, he's really smart. not like, snobby smart, like i wanna share what i learned smart. and he wasn't boring really. then later that day as i was leaving, on the bus i tried to read the text for the first time and so just decided to start on the chapter of the new section, and i sat there and laughed to myself. they were talking about aliens and ET and stuff, it was funny!

so basically, i don't really have any real reason to keep skipping this class. when it used to be because i needed time to finish french, i always ended up not being able to finish french anyway....and then i'd go to class and the prof wouldn't even go over that part of the hw, or she would but she would just talk, not ask us anything. i know i'm gonna fail french, so why fail both french and government? one's enough i think!

so yea, now i'm taking notes on the notes for govt. that the prof posted up online and imma start going to his class.

i'd skip french if i could...but i can't. shame.

i had suchhh a weird dream last night.

it wasn't weird like, sci-fi or anything, it just didn't make any sense with my life is all. it wasn't a bad dream, it started quite interestingly, weird, but interesting. and then the ending of the dream which wasn't that happy could've been interpreted as something good. ah i dunnoe. it was just weirD!

haha...makes me smile when i think about it though. i usually don't remember anything i dream but nowadays i've been remembering a lot. maybe something's up?

haha...ha...aish...

Saturday, September 20, 2008

today...did not go exactly as planned.

i was, at some points, happy, excited, nervous, upset, annoyed, angry, pissed, and then free. i also learned a new feeling word: void. empty basically. well i've felt that way a lot, usually it's not offset by anything which i guess is a characteristic of it. anyway, i felt it again and tried to explain it to otouto and he told me that he and a friend of his just figured that that feeling was "void." smarty. anyway, at least now i know what to call it. it's like, i feel it and then it just gets worse and worse because i never knew "what" it was or how to explain it but giving a name to it helps a lot. i felt better after figuring that out.

anyway, i'm sleepy and completely drained. i was reminded of some things i didn't really know. "reminded" because technically i should've learned these lessons a long time ago and i thot i did but then realized i hadn't. so w.e. i think i've somewhat learned it now.

i have got to finish all my hw tomorrow so that i can get started on writing letters to my friends.

nighty night night!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

i really like this hnrs 240 class

but...i don't wanna write this paper! granted...it's only a one page paper and hardly means anything but...still!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

omg i had the weirdest thing happen to me last night.

it was soo creepy beyond freaking reason. ok so i have a hamster named suju and he eats a LOT. a LOT a lot a lot. otouto told me to just give him a spoonful of food a day so that he can get used to not eating so much and stuff. but i always feel bad for him because sometimes i'd forget...and i haven't been playing with him because he's bit me like twice so i'm sorta scared of him...so sometimes i just pour a bunch of food into his cage. like i said sometimes i'd forget so he would have to gnaw at the cage bottom and he usually does that at night. then i'd wake up in the morning and just pour a bunch of food into his cage and usually he's fine.

anyway, yesterday i watched two horror movies. one in the morning and one at night. the first one had like a ghost/zombie thing to it...it was stupid, and the other one was a slasher thing that, even though i'm not a big slasher fan at all, i think everyone should watch, especially teachers, because i think it's an awesome movie that has a good message for teachers. anyway...i went to bed and for some reason i wake up at 330am and threw the blankets off me a little. i always have my ac on full blast and my fan on high so then i started getting cold. i wanted to move to pull my blanket on me again but i couldn't bring myself to move anything. literally i was stuck there. i don't know why! my limbs felt tired and i thought that it would require a lot of energy to move them. i had dance practice on saturday but it wasn't that rigorous. anyway i just lied (spelling?) there with my eyes closed but opening them every few seconds. as i was lying there i could hear SuJu biting at the cage bottom so i thought poor guy i'll give you some food. then i realized that i'd been lying there for what i thought must've been like 10 minutes but it was still 330am. so then i was like ok creepy so i decided to let him be for a bit and i'll just get up at 4am to give him food. so i lie there but can't sleep and about 15 mins later, or so i thought, i looked at the clock and it was only 338am. man was i freakin out! why'd i decide to stay in bed until 4am you ask? something about 3 being the witching hour and i thought that if i stepped foot over my bed something would grab me. so at one point...i'm still lying there freaking out and i look down at my blanket. it's high enough so that it's covering my chest but all i can do is look at it. with a lot of will power i finally move my arm and it feels like it weighs tons. i pull up my blanket and try to brush everything off as a fluke, i'm just weak or something. so with a lot of energy i pull my blankets up to my chin again. then i'm still lying there because i still can't sleep! SuJu's wheel that he runs on all the time makes a lot of noise. it squeeks all the time so i'm sorta used to the squeeking. for some reason, this morning it started squeeking this weird noise...not like it usually does. and i know you're thinking it's still a squeek who cares? but i do because it sounded so odd! it sounded like the squeeking wasn't coming from his wheel but from something else. and then his wheel started squeeking like normal again. so now you're prollie thinking...he was just walking really slowly on his wheel? ok that's fine too. but at that time i hadn't gotten up to feed him yet so he was just gnawing at his cage bottom and two seconds later he's walking nice and calmly on his wheel? i can't remember if i could hear him gnawing at the same time as the squeeks...man i woulda cried if that'd happened. anywayy...at one point i went back to sleep...and i can't remember if this next thing happened before i went back to sleep or if i woke up again really briefly later on...i heard this really, really quick whooshhh to the right of my bed where my clothes drawer, tv, mirror, SuJu is. it sounded like something had been knocked down but...it was like the noise the wind makes or whatever when something gets knocked down, not the noise of something hitting the floor. albeit the floor is carpet but i mean, it sounded like whatever it was fell from high up so it had to have made some noise. miraculously i just went right back to sleep, i was tired from the half hour of fear before. o yea and in the morning i woke up and poured food into SuJu's cage and left the room but when i came back he was gnawing again. but then again he's a pampered hamster so he does what he wants.

anyway!!! that was the experience...i was so scared the whole time! i told myself that maybe i should stop watching horror movies but...there was a time last year when i was such an avid horror movie watcher...then i stopped a bit and have only restarted again during these past few weeks. maybe i just have a really vivid imagination that i should probably try to put to good use but can't.

o well.

Friday, September 12, 2008

i dislike very, very much

that sometimes a lot of the time mother messes up and then acts like a five year old and brother and i are left to clean it up. aharghhh!!!

i can't concentrate on this reading assignment. i really wanna finish it but i'm so addicted to noise!

my camera broke...again.

i bought it like...last...last july..? i think. i'm not sure. but anyway, one morning last winter i took it out to take a picture of this deer that was munching on stuff at the edge of the forest near the parking lot and i couldn't see anything. it took pictures, the lens was just completely messed up or something. it was all black and weird looking. i sent it in to be fixed because it hadn't been a year yet so we still had the warranty. then the other day i took out the camera to upload pics of what i'm gonna wear for my dance performance so i can send them to tina and the thing was messed up, again! now though the screen was white. it was like someone took the lens of the camera and spraypainted it white with the spraypaint tool on those paint programs on pcs. you could still make out some stuff but not much. so i tried to take pics and when they were uploaded it looked fine, just like last time, i just can't see anything on the lcd screen. so maybe it's the lcd screen that's broken and not cuz of the lens. but whichever, i think i need a new camera. i never liked kodaks! the lcd screen is so flimsy. i'm afraid of breaking it by just touching it! i thought this one was pink so i bought it...and it was 8 mp which i thought was good but it's not that great. it doesn't take pictures all that well. i think i read somewhere that higher dp is best not mp. and i'm def. going to best buy this time if i do buy a new camera...instead of circuit city. that place suuuuucks mann!

yesterday i went to dinner with thien-an and she was talking about stuff and one of those stuff was how she can just look at someone's face and tell things about them but not in a judgemental way and as i was listening i was like i can do that too i look at people and immediately think "you suck."

ouchburn!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

so i'm sitting here in the honors lounge after having skipped government class for the third time in a row.

before it was because i needed time to finish my french and today it was just that i got here half an hour late. anyway, i know there's a test coming up next week and therefore i swear i'll go to class on tuesday. i guess to pass this test all i need is to study the notes which are all posted online. i'll take notes on the notes later today and this weekend.

anyways, there are these magazines on the table that i'm sitting at and i'm sorta not understanding my french hw so i decided to open up the magazine and there's this poem on the back page. it reads like something i've always wanted to write but am not poetic enough to put together.

For You

I once read a poem that compared a pomegranate to a heart. And there were sparrows darting in and out of the lines, violets throwing off moonlight like old coats, and a student raising her hand to say I don't get it. Someone loved someone else, though someone else didn't love someone back, or someone else did but there was an obstacle, maybe the sparrows darted dangerously near the pomegranate and pierced it or the violets stole someone's letters, kept them folded in their small blossoms because they believed they deserved them more than someone else. This poem is based on that one. And also on the time we took a scenic route through aspens and you told me how they always spread after a fire season because when the pines burn down they leave enough space for new trees to grow. The poem was entitled "For You." And we kept driving and driving until winter came, smoothing the roads white with tiny combs of ice--your fingers ready to sculpt my shape out of snow so that you could ease into the hollow chest and leave a pomegranate safe from sparrows--the violets suddenly confessing everything to the student whose face opens like sunrise when she says I understand now--I understand--

- Danielle Deulen

Sunday, September 7, 2008

i am soooo pissed off right now!

we made the mistake, once again! of trusting that those stupid people at church had the decency to give a crap about us. we work our butts off to do things for them and what do they do? screw us over. again! words cannot possibly describe how angry i am at some people...well...they can but i won't go there...i'd just like to say that this is NOT going to happen again. they screwed us over, again, again, again, again and again, but we did our best anyway and we rocked it and they know it. too bad that by the time they get off cloud "i'm old and i'm arrogant," we'll be long gone, they're not getting us another time. see who comes and watches you then!! HA!!!

now i have to do homework. chya ne!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

i'm sorta drunk.

well not quite. but we just got back from a wedding, another one, there's still two more to go! and mother gave me a beer. i was like..yay!! i've only been tipsy once (only drank three times) and that was after i'd had a few beers plus a tequila whiskey mix.

i'm tired now. have to go to bed early because we're going to go to 6:30am mass. suckyyy. then around noon i have to go back to church to prepare for a performance. whoopiedeedoodaa!

Friday, September 5, 2008

my goal for college is to gradute summa cum laude.

then my goal after that was to become a diplomat/ambassador...i've now decided that i'll become the secretary-general to the un. i'll have to work hard of course. that's why i'm going to stick with this job i have now in doi and work my way up somehow to dos and then get into the un. hahaha! prepare world!!!

edit:

after a little more discussing i think maybe being the us ambassador to the un is a more powerful position...i'll go for that.

WARNING WARNING WARNING!

this has got to be my...10 hundredth blog. no kidding! i liked my old one somewhat, until i started trying to get wise and poetic and kept thinking about what i'd write before i wrote it...i was trying to avoid that too. only about two people knew the address to my old blog and yet i put so much time and effort into writing and editing each post, 'specially since it was supposed to be something like a diary for me too. so i got this new blog...i'll probably have everything on it. things i like, dislike, how my day went, what i ate, how i felt about something, movie reviews, how cute something is, whatever.

WARNING WARNING WARNING!

i was completely honest, for a point, on my old blog because i knew that no one would read it. i'm going to continue being honest on this blog...i'm not sure if people are gonna read it. if you pissed me off or something, expect to read about yourself on the blog. i'll tell you exactly how you made me feel, whether it was happy, sad, joyful, disgusted, the world will know. then again...if you really pissed me off i'll probably have already b*tched at you in your face...but anyway...if you're sensitive and prone to crying, do not continue. if you're going to pick fights with me if i do write about you and you don't like it then tough, i'll kick your ass. you have been warned. take what i say with a grain of salt (i don't actually know what this means but it sounds cool right about now).

also, if you're easily confused...you should probably also stop reading. my posts have a tendency to jump around or maybe make completely NO SENSE every now and then.

you have been WARNED! proceed at your own risk.

chya ne!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

a little me

The other day I was talking to this girl and I said something about how Brother didn't go to Freshman orientation and she said that Brother and I are so alike because we're both slackers and I was like "bitch."

teehee.